Sweet whispers of truth

To be an innocent four-year-old and be completely in the moment - what I wouldn't do to be her right now. The sweet truths that easily wrap my heart with the greatest love I've ever felt.... No words to explain the immeasurable love...

Tonight I'm her greatest Christmas present and she'll love me forever. If she only knew....

My heart, be still.


And just to think Jesus loves us this much, too. My heart is overfilled with joy.

Gods humor

Just a few weeks ago I spent what felt like eternity writing a wholehearted blog about the deep places in my heart. Gosh - it was pretty exhausting and everynight after I'd write, I'd struggle with how I was going to end the piece... Was it finished? Would anyone benefit from this? Does this make any sense? Where am I going with these raw thoughts that I'm investing onto this screen... I have to laugh, well, because that's just the way I deal with stuff that I can't control.
By the time I was ready to make sense of my mess and except the beauty and the hurt and the deep stuff as a purposeful driven life, I couldn't find my draft that was secretly saved in my blog folder. It vanished. Poof! Gone. Bye Felecia. Ugh.... I could've cried. Instead I laughed.
I wanted to let go of so many things I was carrying and find some relief... I thought if only I get these words out of my head my husbands disease will fade away, the stressful demands of life will go away, and I'd find peace in the midst of my storm. The funny part about all this stuff we carry with us is, it's nothing that hasn't already been carried by someone else or too great for God to carry with us. I mean, He's on our team, even if it's the most chaotic place on earth, He will embrace us and get deep into our hole. He wants to help us with our mess. It's a beautiful thing, really. His love will never leave us or forsaken us. How awesome is that?
So, even though I didn't get to reread my vanishing post, it doesn't matter because I found beauty in my mess, right where I'm at and His grace will carry me through this stuff...

Words.

Some feelings are so raw that no words could truly describe the "stuff" behind them.

How can we breathe life into existence when the world is continuously sucking us dry?

Just one of those days....

Life changes pretty quickly but time stands still... We wait. Wait for minutes to pass, lines to shorten, results to come in, dinner to be ready... We're always waiting. We're always wondering, too... What will happen if I say this, do that... How will he react?

I'm tired of waiting.... So tired... God please give me strength! I need to be patient and trust you, always! I need to feel you, Lord! How can I be strong when I don't understand why this is happening?
 Why am I so scared for Him? Why do I feel like I have to wait for something to happen? How will he feel, what will the day bring for him, how do I make him happy - how can I not take his words personal? 

I know you're greater than any of this, Lord! You love us and will NEVER forsake us! Help me pick up my cross and carry it, happily... Please search my heart and search my soul, Lord! I want and need ALL of YOU! 

Remind me, you can create miracles... 

The hard stuff unraveled

Life is what you make it - -  it's a beautiful, wonderful, and a crazily confusing place at times. But with Faith, all things are possible. Faith reminds me that I'll get through the hard stuff, the stuff I rarely express or talk about.

I've always tried so hard to to be a good friend. It's just something I thought I was supposed to do. It's like if I really plugged into their reality, maybe my crap wouldn't feel so bad. I began getting lost in serving others. More than just what the Bible calls a servants heart. I was codependent. I was trying to fill my void by filling someone else's. Sure, that worked for a bit... Until God wanted to heal my wounds and my heart that was so lost I didn't even know what Mauriah wanted or who I was. I felt out of place, as I frantically ran on empty. I felt like a cat chasing it's own tail, just running in circles never going anywhere. How exhausting, really? But for so long this life consumed my inner being. My life was taken over by pleasing others and intern please myself, so I thought.

So much in my life was choking me up. I couldn't even breath. And then my husband was diagnosed with a horrible disease... And my world was shaken... But this time God was my sense of being and little did I know this life, this 'new normal' would unravel healing and so much more than I could ever imagine.


It's funny to look back on now, seriously. Or maybe sad is a better word... Either way,   Struggling is part of life - it's like our DNA needs it so we can look forward to the good stuff.

I know someone needs to hear this truth and that's why I've decided to write about this journey of a new normal, everyday.